“For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships…For most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order.” Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.
I’m a woman. It is easy for me to say “we.” I was raised with two sisters and attended a girl’s summer camp and a girl’s high school. I learned how to juggle for power and authority in the way women have been doing for centuries – by sharing with others to build lasting friendships, making decisions that others support, and supporting the contribution of those around me. Girls don’t like “selfish” girls who don’t share. The evil girl in every book, film, and fairy tale is the dominating “bossy” girl who is selfish and exclusive.
Unfortunately, my in-born desire to say “we” contradicts the in-born nature of most men who use language to spar and establish hierarchy. In other words, they are more comfortable with “I.” A vigorous public debate in front of an audience establishes the pecking order. Pecking order is essential to the healthy functioning of a hierarchical organisation. So, if you don’t establish yourself as an “I,” your chances of making it up the corporate ladder are nil.
But the longer I work in digital, the bigger problem this presents. A truly successful digital business needs leadership, no doubt, but it needs humility too. This isn’t about men versus women; this is about accepting different communication styles from people of diverse backgrounds. We are all global businesses today; we all need to be empathetic to a range of cultural and communication styles that we could ignore previously.
In the internet age, we are in a world where we are all selling experiences directly to end customers (regardless of whether the contract is with a business or an individual). We are giving them digital experiences on the devices that are most personal to them – their phone, tablet, laptop and TV screen. And if corporate cultures don’t adopt to be more inclusive – to look more like the people they are selling to – then they will fail in the long-run. This isn’t about tolerance of differences, it is about embracing differences and creating something richer for it.
I’ve seen over and over again that some of the quietest people in the room are often those that have the best ideas and brightest talents. It isn’t the old jock who is thumping his fist; it is the silent, sensitive coder in the corner who has a brilliant idea about how to crack a problem. In his or her youth, that coder was probably spending more solitary time playing on the computer than out in the sports field with mates. But, even though that coder’s style is different, it doesn’t mean that his or her contribution is any less valuable than someone higher up the corporate ladder.
The best product managers can bring out the talents of those in their team and in the stakeholder groups – without letting noise drown out the whispers of those who aren’t schooled in “I.” This isn’t easy. I’ve been at it for decades and still haven’t mastered it. But my advice is that if you err towards “we” over “I,” you’ll get more done and you’ll have more fun doing it.
More on the practical side of how to bring out the best in each of your team in tomorrow’s blog.